Becoming Who You Are.

21 Jun

There are many paths that lead you to the person you are.  The person that you were and the person you will be.  Many times you do not meet the expectation of who you should be.

I am having one of those moments now.

All of my life, All I have heard, is ” You have so much potential.” Potential  indeed.  Potential I have done nothing with.  But honestly I think people give me too much credit.  A potential waste of your time is more like it, or a potential waste of a human life.

So many times, I feel like I am just going through the motions, desperately mimicking things that I crave to feel and crave to be.  I always thought so much for myself, but never thought of the work a dumb-ass like myself would have to put in to get there.  I am turning 25 this year.

It further cements the facts that all of my plans have been thrown in the garbage and I have officially wasted my first several years out of the safe cocoon that was my parent’s home.

Here is how I thought it would go.

18- College

19- College

20- Nursing school Graduate

21-Go for Bachlors in nursing

22- Bachelors in Nursing

23- Marry Chris

24-Secure awesome job.

25- Have baby- Buy House- All that Jazz

Anyone who knows me knows my plans are trashed.  Dropped out of college after taking an extended amount of time to accomplish nothing there.  Wasted a lot of money, now so far in debt I have panic  attacks at night.  I am getting married , but I will be 26 by then.  Which is fantastic, except for the fact that I was ready to do this years ago.  But that is neither here nor there, it does in fact take two to tango as they say.  Don’t think I would have made a good nurse though, my immune system sucks, and now I am totally burnt out of what I do.  I think that might just be me being bitter though, watching all these amazing ( and not so amazing women) do what I could not do.  I hate doing what I do because to put it frankly, and you can quote me, ” You can only clean up other people’s shit for so long before you start to feel like nothing but shit.”

And it is true, I feel like nothing but shit sometimes.

Nothing but shit that will never get ahead. I feel like I am drowning in this fucking financial shit bomb I have created for myself. I fucking hate that this is the way it is, I hate the fact that I have to swallow whatever oppositions I Have to things for money, I hate it hate it hate it.

I am losing my fucking grip tonight.

But I did this all, so as many times as I cry over it, I cannot change the past.  I cannot change that I am living paycheck to paycheck.  I cannot change that I have failed at everything I have tried.  I cannot change that I dislike the person I am.

I can only move forward. Slowly.

So what is the moral to this story.

Do not ever be like me.

Don’t waste your life, being as stupid as I am.

On a side note, I wish I had insurance, I feel that some medical assistance is required this evening.  Prozac perhaps intravenously.

Now I have spun into this cycle where I change what I want to be everyday, where I Lie to the general public about my education.  Where I feel ostracized from my beloved family, an outsider looking in.  I feel like I am slipping away, like I have nothing real to identify myself as.

I am now the black sheep, the daughter that had so much potential, that was supposed to change the world.  The girl that vowed to make something of her self but couldn’t hack it at community college.

The one who got accepted into nursing school, but couldn’t go financially.  The one that has no insurance, the one the flabby arms and the bad teeth, who’s hair is falling out.  The daughter that wears jeans and a t-shirt, no make up.

Potential.

I need to sleep.

I need to finish this first. Maybe for once in my life I will finish something!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who do I want to be?

I want to be the girl who’s jeans actually fit correctly.  I want to not wear a sweater because of my flabby arms.  I don’t want to be embarrassed about myself every waking moment.  I want stop being A Nursing Assistant.  I want to be a wife, I want to be a mom.  I want to be a writer.  I want to help people. I want to be a good friend.  I want to be someone who can finish things.  I want to stop being depressed and for once in my life be genuine and know that  people aren’t judging me.

I feel like I have no direction, as in who I am supposed to become.  What in this mess will contribute to me being a completed version of myself.  I just need some time, I need to not be turning 25 this year, I want to start all over again.  If I had one chance, I would do it right.

I swear I would do it right.

Sorry for the annoying whiny bummery blog.

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I Guess I have over-stayed my welcome

17 Jun

So work.

Work at the Rehab Hospital.

I do not like it anymore.

Gone is that warm fuzzy feeling of making a difference.  Over shadowed by co-workers bullshit on day 2.

I have over stayed my time there, and possibly my time working in a hospital setting.

Don’t get me wrong, I always treat people with the compassion and respect they deserve, and it never used to bother me if they didn’t treat me with the same. But for some reason yesterday it nagged at me all day when this woman didn’t say thank you after I spent 45 minutes to make sure she was comfortable and talking to her about her problems and stuff.  It bothered me that my nurses didn’t thank me for busting my ass at the end of the shift.  It bothered me that my co-workers didn’t thank me for things I was doing and went out of her way to make me look like a moron, by telling me one thing and saying something else to the Unit Manager.  So no kidding I didn’t understand lol.

Then the U M* Comes in and acts like I am a moron. me.  The shining star of the facility. ( a title I never gave myself)

Then there is the bureaucracy of it, the ” fill the bed’s mentality that trickles down to us with acute care patients that need more time and attention that I just do not have.  And by the end of the cycle, I want to rip out a chunk of my hair and walk out the door batty.

In addition to that, I hate this shift.  I do, I want to work days, like normal people.  I hate not seeing Chris.

I come home and he is a sleeping, and it just blows.

My mom says, ” Well at least you have a job”

This is true at least I do, but it is no longer one that makes me happy.  And I am a firm believer in that you spend so much time at your job that you should be able to be happy there. Am I right?

So yeah, this is my work rant.  So suck it! In 2 months I will find another and start the process all over again.

Making Chili

15 Jun

So today I start my 3-11 shift again.  ” What a total drag” I am so burnt out of this hospital gig, I wish Chris could make tons of money and I could just stay home.  But While I did that, I made the most bomb diggity chili ever while listening to law and order and watching the dog devour a roll of toilet paper.

1 giant can of  goya red beans .   (yeah I know goya cuz I am spic’n over here lol)

1 Green Pepper Chopped

2 Onions Chopped

4 cloves of garlic

2 packets of Sazon Goya

pinch of salt

10 Mushrooms chopped

1 huge can of chopped tomatoes.

Garlic and Onions first til Caramelized

Then Add Green Pepper and mushrooms

Then Beans and Tomatoes, and let it cook a bit

Then Sazon! And stir around and it rocks!  Oh yeah! And Cayenne Pepper and Paprika!

But Beyond that Chili always makes me think of my mom.

Now her’s isn’t like this.

Its much,much better.

Being here alone, making poor man’s chili, makes me miss living at home, and having someone cook for you and wash your clothes, having people to talk to, all that good stuff.

So this is kind of a short blog, but it really is me just missing my mom lol.

So theres that.

Now I am going to devour this Chili

AY YA YA YAI!

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26 May

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24 May

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Ode to My Frustraiting Financial Situation.

20 May

I am an idiot.

It is no secret, my finances  are a fucking abomination.  Banking history riddled with overdrafts and insufficient funds fees.  But i do my best to get by, I do not have extravagant tastes.    I got into a whole mess of trouble with damn credit cards culminating in my recent law suit.  My phone is constantly bombarded with creditors rudely asking for money I do not have.  About 10,000 bucks worth.  I have recently paid off 500 dollars to Fingerhut, but that is it.  I am enrolled with a company that negotiates my debt and pays things off in lump sums so I hope to have other things paid off was well.  However the thorn in my side is The Dell Suit.  For a fucking computer that is already busted.

For the longest time my credit was pretty good because no matter how much revolting debt I had, I always paid the minimum, but then I got suck missed like 2 paychecks in a row, and got royally fucked.  Everything got backed up I took a payday loan to cover it, missed their pay back date and away we fucking go.  Now I owe everyone everything, medical bills, credit cards, in addition to other living expenses.  I am such a silly decision maker, I got bamboozled into a black berry for convenience and want to punch myself in the face when I see the bill.  But I am strapped with it for a year.  I signed up for fucking magazines that I don’t really read.  Also A gym membership I do not use.  All that good money wasting shit.  Plus I have a problem with wanting every new kitchen product that hits the market.

As far as my credit card debt.  Beyond the computer I do not think there is one tangible thing I have from 10 thousand dollars worth of spending.  Fixed my dead car once put it on a card, bought a thousand dinners, crapped  out hours after the fact, clothes I bought that I hated, maybe some shoes? Christmas gifts for people I dont really like things like that.  Thats what I spent 10 thousand dollars on.  Maybe some dates for me and Chris, but nothing that cool, or I would remember right?!

It makes me sick, Now I have to pay all this crap back, That is not what I have a problem with, I spent the money, I well should pay it back.  I just hate that I spent all of it on SHIT!  So now I pay cash, and If I don’t have it I don’t buy it.

The shit of it all, is we are trying to pay for this wedding all out of pocket ( Chris’ Credit Also Shot) and with all the things I have to pay for I can barely contribute.  I could fucking kick myself for all of this damn mess.  However perhaps some of you out there in blog reader land can learn from my shitty shitty mistakes, and hence here are my financial rules.  For spending and saving.  enjoy.

1- Do NOT ever get a credit card.  They do nothing but bring problems, especially if you are a dolt, and do not read the fine print or know how to use them.

2-If you must get a credit card, to get actual “credit” make sure you have a limit on it of 200 bucks or something easy to pay back.

3-Never ever ever, buy things you ” think you might use” ( ie gym membership, assorted crap, cds or dvds u might like, a movie you kind of think looks cool) all of these are wastes of hard earned cash.

4-Never subscribe to magazines, they are like the fucking mob.  They will call all hours of the night, tell you to sell your shit on ebay to pay them.

5- Do not get the delux- plus- super mega fucking awesome -plan for anything unless you really can afford it, it is lame, you will never use it to its full potential and you will pay out the ass for it.

6- Never pay retail, I always see cool stuff in stores and almost throw my money down, until I think, hey this shit is much cheaper online.  Or i could probably find this at the flea market.

7- Avoid Drinking at the bar, WHY? its dumb, and expensive.  Drinking at home is safer and CHEAP! lol

8- Try on clothes 700 times in the store, and bra’s!! The biggest waste of money is when you buy something you were unsure about in the store and then later hate at home.  I have this problem with Bra’s alot, come on ladies, we all know about “good” bra’s, well the could all be good.

9- Don’t buy gifts for people who do not deserve, them and for those that do quality over quantity is the way to go!! Not saying do not buy things for those that are well deserving, but buy things that they will really like, that take thought and time.

10-Live within your means, If that means saying screw it to a few things, a few times out, so be it.  No one will have to deal with the consequences but you.

A few side notes:

I Am bitter today, because I am being sued.  Also I hate wasting money, something I lavished in the past.  I hate when people waste money,  I hate that my utilities are so high.  I am just filled with hate today but hope my bitter advice has helped someone out there.

Then One not so Special Day.

17 May

I decided that after constantly  saying I want to start writing again, that I am going to so there! So anyone feel free to give me some ideas but in general this is just my introduction.  To those of you that know me I apologize for the tediousness of this first blog, it will get better and for those that don’t and may have just stumbled here I thank you for your time and hope you enjoy my senseless ramblings.

I am a very “stream of consciousness” type of writer and this is my weakness and strength I guess, My teachers used to get angry with me for my grammatical errors but always commented on my passion for whatever subject I might be addressing at that point.

Some Background on myself:

Career: Currently a per Diem employee for a local rehab hospital and a full time private duty aide for one patient whom I just adore. Hippa wise I can’t get into much about her but she is an amazing lady that makes me smile and it has been nothing but a pleasure getting to know her and her lovely family.

However something is lacking, I feel unfullfilled and I am burnt out of taking care of people, really dreading my hospital return.  Some how I took the wrong direction in life and as much as I like caring for people it really takes a toll on me emotionally and sometimes makes me physically sick.  I know cry baby right? But I want to do something else.  Just not sure what.  However at 24 I need to figure it out soon.

I have held many jobs in this field but I still think my favorite has and always will be the Alzheimer’s Unit.  I loved every moment there, no matter how much it would break my heart sometimes.

Education: I am a college drop out.  Started community college in the fall of 2004 Psych and Nursing.  Very promising 3. 5 GpA for a whole year.  Then I got lazy, and hanging out with my friends seemed like a much better idea.  Skipped class, failed the hard ones, coasted the easy ones.  ended up moving to Scranton in 2006 Started School focused on nursing, drowned in prerequisites, Only got in the 70th percentile of the Nursing entrance exam.  Got really depressed, stopped going to class or caring, guys made fun of me on campus for being big decided to just never go back, mutilated my GPA.  Took online classes, brought it up to like a 2.5  thus far.

Aced the Nursing Entrance Exam for LPN school, only to find out my father had spent all my Loan money fixing the house he planned to sell.  Housing Market Tanked, Bank took house, I think at this point was when I gave up on nursing and just started to get fed up with the idea.

I would like to get my associates degree in something, most probably general studies, although i have debated criminal justice, human services,para legal,medical transciption and Medical coding. If anyone has any ideas they are welcome, maybe one day I can sort thought this mess.

Family: Well I am the Eldest daughter of my parent’s marriage, I do have one lovely older “half” sister from my Dad’s previous marriage, but I can just throw that half in the garbage because to me she is all sister lol.  In addition I have two younger siblings, this motley crue makes up my closest friends ha ha.  I have two nephews that I simply adore, and when Chris and I get married I will Have another nephew and two Nieces so that will be awesome 🙂  Also have about a million Aunts and Uncles.  The only crappy thing is with the exception of 5 of them they live in Peru, South America, Where I have not been since I was 12.  I have 3 living grandparents, two of which are in peru as well, and one that has dementia and is in a nursing home.  I have cousins everywhere haha, but most notably the ones in jersey are the ones I was always closest with.  Sometimes my family drives me bat shit crazy, but The quickest way to be my enemy is to Fuck with them an unforgivable offense as many have learned.

Christian Decker: My one and only soul mate, he is the ying to my yang, everything I am not and brings out the best in me.  Usually lol.  He makes me smile, he sometimes dances with me in parking lots, snuggles me when I am cold, sings no woman no cry when I am sad.  No one shares my love for 90’s rap like he does.  Next year we will get married one way or another.  I love him madly and deeply still even after 7 years, he is all I have ever wanted, all I ever needed and everything worth fighting for.  It isn’t all sunshine and roses, we are people and we fight, but at the end of the day, I know he is the one I want holding my hand when we are 110 years old. He is the one I want to raise my own family with, and he is the one I want to spend my life with.  I thank god everyday I took Geometry lol!

Me: I am a certified Thinker.  I spend at least 60% of my day in my head.  Worrying, laughing, dreaming, thinking of movie Ideas, writing, planning, plotting, conceptualizing, visualizing, playing out events that will never happen, remember things that have. They say you are your harshest critic, and I am, I don’t think I have ever bragged once in my life, I actually spend a lot of time thinking that I am embarrassing and that I am on eggshells with everyone, and one day they will all just walk away, because I am not good enough.  Wow that sounded a lot sadder when i wrote it down.  I am not a sad person, I really love laughing and being happy.  But I do and always have struggle with depression, usually 3X a month I have to have a few cry days.  I am very over sensitive to criticism and I sometimes compensate for that by being a compete and total bitch.  I have hardcore social anxiety and always think people are watching everything I do, it weird me out a lot.  I have awesome hearing especially when it comes to people talking about me, so I spent years of my life being painfully aware that people were making fun of me. Add that to me being self conscious  about everything I DO! faces I make the way I laugh and you get one weird person.

I think I am a failure in life every single day, and I can honestly say I really am not a fan of myself.  I think most of that is because I have always had this preconceived notion of what I should be and I always fall short.  Painfully short lol. But like I said before, all of that is acceptable to me, and I am happy most of the time.

I guess that is me in a nutshell.  So yeah

Adios