Becoming Who You Are.

There are many paths that lead you to the person you are.  The person that you were and the person you will be.  Many times you do not meet the expectation of who you should be.

I am having one of those moments now.

All of my life, All I have heard, is ” You have so much potential.” Potential  indeed.  Potential I have done nothing with.  But honestly I think people give me too much credit.  A potential waste of your time is more like it, or a potential waste of a human life.

So many times, I feel like I am just going through the motions, desperately mimicking things that I crave to feel and crave to be.  I always thought so much for myself, but never thought of the work a dumb-ass like myself would have to put in to get there.  I am turning 25 this year.

It further cements the facts that all of my plans have been thrown in the garbage and I have officially wasted my first several years out of the safe cocoon that was my parent’s home.

Here is how I thought it would go.

18- College

19- College

20- Nursing school Graduate

21-Go for Bachlors in nursing

22- Bachelors in Nursing

23- Marry Chris

24-Secure awesome job.

25- Have baby- Buy House- All that Jazz

Anyone who knows me knows my plans are trashed.  Dropped out of college after taking an extended amount of time to accomplish nothing there.  Wasted a lot of money, now so far in debt I have panic  attacks at night.  I am getting married , but I will be 26 by then.  Which is fantastic, except for the fact that I was ready to do this years ago.  But that is neither here nor there, it does in fact take two to tango as they say.  Don’t think I would have made a good nurse though, my immune system sucks, and now I am totally burnt out of what I do.  I think that might just be me being bitter though, watching all these amazing ( and not so amazing women) do what I could not do.  I hate doing what I do because to put it frankly, and you can quote me, ” You can only clean up other people’s shit for so long before you start to feel like nothing but shit.”

And it is true, I feel like nothing but shit sometimes.

Nothing but shit that will never get ahead. I feel like I am drowning in this fucking financial shit bomb I have created for myself. I fucking hate that this is the way it is, I hate the fact that I have to swallow whatever oppositions I Have to things for money, I hate it hate it hate it.

I am losing my fucking grip tonight.

But I did this all, so as many times as I cry over it, I cannot change the past.  I cannot change that I am living paycheck to paycheck.  I cannot change that I have failed at everything I have tried.  I cannot change that I dislike the person I am.

I can only move forward. Slowly.

So what is the moral to this story.

Do not ever be like me.

Don’t waste your life, being as stupid as I am.

On a side note, I wish I had insurance, I feel that some medical assistance is required this evening.  Prozac perhaps intravenously.

Now I have spun into this cycle where I change what I want to be everyday, where I Lie to the general public about my education.  Where I feel ostracized from my beloved family, an outsider looking in.  I feel like I am slipping away, like I have nothing real to identify myself as.

I am now the black sheep, the daughter that had so much potential, that was supposed to change the world.  The girl that vowed to make something of her self but couldn’t hack it at community college.

The one who got accepted into nursing school, but couldn’t go financially.  The one that has no insurance, the one the flabby arms and the bad teeth, who’s hair is falling out.  The daughter that wears jeans and a t-shirt, no make up.

Potential.

I need to sleep.

I need to finish this first. Maybe for once in my life I will finish something!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who do I want to be?

I want to be the girl who’s jeans actually fit correctly.  I want to not wear a sweater because of my flabby arms.  I don’t want to be embarrassed about myself every waking moment.  I want stop being A Nursing Assistant.  I want to be a wife, I want to be a mom.  I want to be a writer.  I want to help people. I want to be a good friend.  I want to be someone who can finish things.  I want to stop being depressed and for once in my life be genuine and know that  people aren’t judging me.

I feel like I have no direction, as in who I am supposed to become.  What in this mess will contribute to me being a completed version of myself.  I just need some time, I need to not be turning 25 this year, I want to start all over again.  If I had one chance, I would do it right.

I swear I would do it right.

Sorry for the annoying whiny bummery blog.